There were so many emotions. I just did not know how to deal with them.

I was pretty much probably drinking

a fifth of vodka a day.

I mean, just tossing it back like water,

and it was because there
was so many emotions,

I just did not know how to deal with them.

I didn't know how to deal with the pain.

I didn't know how to deal with the guilt.

And for me, because of my assaults,

I had felt such shame,

and when I came home,

it was like I had failed.

I had failed at this task.

I had failed as a daughter,
I had failed as a sister,

I had failed as a productive
member of society,

and I just did not understand

or I didn't even understand
what that meant at that time,

and I sure did not understand

how to deal with any of those emotions.