I made it

I have a great life, I really do.

To see my granddaughter, I take the trolley to North Station,

and then I take a train there to Lowell.

But years ago, taking the trains and buses, they were awful.

Number one, I couldn't get on when it was crowded.

Sometimes I'd have an anxiety attack.

And then when it stops at the next stop I would get off.

I'd be sweatin' and everything.

Sometimes I'd even start talking to myself on the train, it was crazy.

I mean, I'd yell, "Hurry up, open up, open up this door!" you know.

And someone on the train says, "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

And I'd turn around and, "I'll come over and kill you, you son of a bitch!"

That stuff, I don't do that no more. [Laughs]

I can converse with people better.

I can talk to people.

I don't have to make believe I'm someone that I'm not, you know?

I'm just Richie Adams, you know, recovering alcoholic and addict,

Vietnam Vet, you know, who already went to hell and come back, you know?

I was just so messed up, I was just so messed up.

You know, I know the booze and drugs does that to people,

but when I was doing it, it was like,

"I really don't care what others think. I don't care about what my family thinks."

The pain inside, it just tears at you.

Not just at your insides, but in your mind, too,

like there's no way out.

You know, either I'm going to kill myself or someone's going to kill me.

I think a lot of it had to do with, in the military

I was robbed, I was assaulted in the Philippines, and assaulted sexually.

And when I got back on the ship, I had a, I didn't tell nobody,

so I just kept it that way, you know.

And that really kind of screwed my head up, you know?

Because I became a very angry guy.

I mean, I'd get in fights.

I'd go into a bar room, you know, hit a guy with a bottle over the head

if he looked at me wrong, you know, I'm serious.

And I heard about this shelter, a VA shelter down in Boston, and I went there.

First I said, "What's PTSD?"

And he says, "Posttraumatic stress disorder."

I says, "Sounds like something I could have."

It was healing for me, talking to my counselor,

because I thought I did something wrong.

And talking to her about it, it's just,

I more or less felt that I didn't do anything wrong.

I was a victim, and I was, and I was ashamed.

And I'm not ashamed today, you know?

She was a big help.

But I do have a great life, I really do.

I'm content, I love people, I, you know, I go out.

I walk if I want to walk down to the store,

grab a newspaper, read the paper, do a crossword puzzle.

And I look around, I say, "Man, I can't believe this."

I says, "I made it," you know.

Some people might say, "Made what?"

I says, "I made it! I'm a human being today, a good human being."

You know, I wish I knew I had this earlier, but I always believe that

everyone finds out about themselves sooner or later in life.

And it's never too late, you know?