I knew I didn't want to commit suicide.

I was having problems at night with sleeping.

I had to take Ambien even

on deployments 'cause I couldn't stop thinking

about the patients that were coming in.

I couldn't stop thinking about what that next case might be

and the Ambien helped rest my mind to where I could get sleep.

But I came back home, I ran out of Ambien,

I went to Disneyland with my family.

Fireworks were going off at Disneyland,

which should be a fun thing

but instead I remembered it as flares.

I remembered that night that we got attacked

and seeing the flares and bringing back those memories

and I knew something wasn't right.

I was trying to do the schoolwork.

I was doing online classes

and I couldn't even write two sentences that were connected

that made sense whereas two months prior I did not

a problem.

I wasn't struggling and now I was.

After going to Disneyland with my family, I returned back

to my base and I remember one night, I stayed up all night

and I wanted to kill myself.

I didn't know why.

I knew it wasn't a thought that I wanted to have.

I was with my family and I should be happy but I wasn't.

I remembered the guys and remembered that it wasn't right

that I should be there and going through this and having problems

and I felt like they were more deserving than me to live

so why would I want to live.

And I dealt a lot with the survivor's guilt and wanted

to commit suicide and I knew I didn't want to commit suicide

and so that's why I went the very next day and went

and saw my staff NCO and told him I had problems and went

through the process of getting diagnosed with PTSD.