I cannot be this person

I've always thought of PTSD being, like, for deployments or war,

and I never really thought of myself as having it.

And I've kind of minimized the impact and think,

"Oh, should I waste these people's time? My situation is not that bad."

After being in the Marines for a year and a half, I was sexually assaulted

by another Marine who was also a co-worker and a friend of mine.

It's embarrassing to talk about, but I don't want to be scared anymore.

I want to be stronger. [Laughing]

My name is Laura Hendrixon, and I have PTSD.

Being home by myself, I would basically be in panic mode the whole time.

I would think, "Somebody knows I'm in here by myself, and they're going to get me."

You know, and then I would, "Oh my gosh, I want to get a shower,

but I can't get a shower because I'm home by myself, and if I'm in the shower

I'm not going to be able to hear if somebody comes in the house."

I would get scared to the point that

I wouldn't close my eyes when I'm in the shower.

Rinse off as fast as I possibly can and get out!

I finally had a doctor point out to me that,

you know, it would be really good if I went through this treatment.

I knew I needed to do it because I can't wait to have kids,

and I was like, "I cannot be this person with kids.

I'm going to, like, wrap them up in bubble wrap."

I made a list of things that I need to be able to do:

make left-hand turns, ride in an elevator, go somewhere by myself, get showers.

It's like, I need to learn how to deal with this stuff, now.

It was very difficult at first.

I had to go back to that moment and, you know, describe exactly how I felt,

and emotions, and fears, and everything about the moment.

It did get easier.

You actually record yourself, and then you listen to it,

so it in some way tricks your brain into accepting that

this did happen to me, and, you know, I'm going to be OK,

and it's going to get better.

Everything about me, now that I'm more educated on PTSD and everything,

now I realize all the other things in my life that I'm like,

"Oh, well, that's probably why."

Like I want to do forensic accounting, like, fraud detection.

I want to catch people and make them pay for their mistakes

because so many people in my life haven't, you know.

My husband is a lifesaver.

We're going to counseling together, and they're helping us

talk through some of the daily struggles that I have with PTSD.

He's so good for me, like, he encourages me to do things I'm not comfortable with.

I definitely plan to keep moving forward with it.

I'm always thinking, like, "Just do it!"

I can do all kinds of stuff. [Laughs]